James Dolan sits in his office, feet propped up as he murders Billy Joel’s “Piano Man” on harmonica. A mug reading “World’s Best Owner” sits next to him. An assistant pokes her head into the office

Assistant: Mr. Dolan, Mr. Perry is here for his interview.

JD: Send him in.

In walks Scott Perry, carrying a binder full of notes and papers

SP: Mr. Dolan, thank you for agreeing to meet with me for the job.

JD: Come on dude, call me James, I’m just a rocker like you.

SP: I’m sorry?

JD: Man you look really different from when I saw you in concert. But I’m so excited you were interested in joining us. The band is really ascending but our vocalist just wasn’t cutting it. We feel your star power and range would be perfect for us.

SP: What are you talking about?

JD: You are Steve Perry… The guy from Journey?

SP: Mr. Dolan-

JD: James, call me James

SP: I’m Scott Perry. I’m the Executive Vice President of Basketball Operations for the Kings, I was assuming you brought me here for your vacant GM position.

JD: Oh, uh yes, yes I was. Anyway Stuart, tell me about yourself.

SP: Well… James, as my resume showed, I started off as an assistant coach at Michigan, where I helped recruit the Fab Five and was a part of multiple Final Fo-

JD: That’s so cool, you recruited Webber? Man you must have been so pissed when he called that timeout, huh?

SP: Yeah….. As I was saying I coached at Michigan, then became the head coach at Eastern Kentucky. While I was coaching there, Joe Dumars asked me to join his personnel department in Detroit. I was there from 2000-2007 and I believe I learned so mu-

JD: Wait wait wait you have a ring? Dude that’s so cool! Lemme see lemme see lemme see

SP: Mr. Dolan-

JD: James

SP: Right, I don’t carry my ring with me. It’s in a display case at home. Anyway, I spent 8 years in Detroit before I moved to Seattle in 2007, where we drafted Kevin Durant second overall.

JD: Man I really wanted Durant, I was so upset when he didn’t fall to us at 23.

SP: (getting frustrated) I then went back to Detroit before going to Orlando to be the assistant GM there, where we got some solid guys like Elfrid Payton and Victor Oladipo.

JD: Oladipo! I love that guy! He’s got a great voice, I think he’d be great for my band. Any chance we can pick him up?

SP: You’re not seriously asking me to trade for a player just so he can sing in your band, are you?

JD: Come on man, it’d be so chill! We could totally schedule our gigs around the games. I mean he may need to take off a night every once in a while but I think we could make it work.

SP: (Stands up) I think I’ve heard enough, I’m no longer interested.

JD: You really want to go back to being the number three guy in Sacramento?

SP: (Pauses)

JD: I’ll give you a 5-year contract.

SP: (Sits back down) Well we have basically no cap room and Oladipo makes $21 million a year so…

JD: Ok Sean-

SP: Scott, my name is Scott

JD: Of course it is. Ok Scott, what do we need to do to win a title this year?

SP: Well, considering the aforementioned cap fiasco and the fact we went 31-51 last season, I don’t think that’s happening. Our best bet would be to build a young core around Porzingis and try to stockpile assets. And we cannot, I repeat CANNOT, give absurd deals to big name players who are past their prime.

JD: I hear you, I hear you… but Deron Williams is available and he loves New York. I’m thinking 4 years, $80 million.

SP: That would use up the entirety of our luxury tax space. For Deron Williams. Who cannot play defense. And is 33.

JD: Can we like, trade somebody?

SP: Nobody wants our players. Except Carmelo, but he has that stupid No Trade Clause and will veto if we trade him anywhere awful. If we do move him, we need to get some young assets- whether they’re players or picks- so we can attract free agents and make some deals.

JD: Houston has contacted us, do they have something we want?

SP: I mean, Clint Capela is a solid player and he’s only 23, we could pair him with Porzingis for some nasty rim protection. Throw in some role players and a pick or two and that might actually work.

JD: What about that Chinese guy they have? The big guy?

SP: Zhou Qi? I guess we could try to throw him in….

JD: No, the other guy. He’s like 7’5”. He and McGrady are awesome together.

SP: Are you… Are you talking about Yao Ming?

JD: YES, that guy. Love that guy.

SP: (Head slams against desk) I’ll uh… I’ll see what I can do. Anything else?

JD: Yes, actually. One more question- what’s your favorite shape?

SP: Triangles?

JD: Shit

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Profile photo of Grant Baker
Grant Baker is an Arkansas native and fan of the Oakland Raiders. He covers the NFL and the NBA, but predominantly covers the NFL Draft. Grant belongs to the rare breed of people who love poring over game film of prospects from directional Missouri schools. He serves takes ranging in temperature from Steph Curry in Madison Square Garden to Lambeau Field in the playoffs.
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Profile photo of Grant Baker
Grant Baker is an Arkansas native and fan of the Oakland Raiders. He covers the NFL and the NBA, but predominantly covers the NFL Draft. Grant belongs to the rare breed of people who love poring over game film of prospects from directional Missouri schools. He serves takes ranging in temperature from Steph Curry in Madison Square Garden to Lambeau Field in the playoffs.

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