Five things fans said prior to Week 7:

  1. The Chiefs are the best team in the league.
  2. The Steelers are a mess
  3. The Cowboys will be affected by the Zeke drama
  4. Cam Newton is back
  5. The Sunday games won’t suck (too much)

Now to some completely real fan reactions of their team’s performance this week.

NFC East:

Cowboys: “Some people want to say that all we did was beat a winless team. Those people have to realize that the 49ers played everyone else they had faced tough. That is, until Zeke came to smash them. People said he wasn’t the same and the running game would flounder, but Zeke can still rip hearts out. The difference now is that we have a pass rush that can come get you. The Eagles are just a mirage — we’ve seen this before and we ain’t scared.”

Eagles: “We have the best team in the league. I’m going to marry Carson Wentz. In fact, Wentz has a chance to be one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time, because there is one play each game he makes that normal players just cannot. It sucks that we lost Peters and Hicks, but in the end I think we can withstand it. It may not be this year, but Wentz WILL be the quarterback who gives us the first Super Bowl.”

Giants: “This is the Giants team that I know and despise. To think that it crept into people’s minds, for even a second, that we would be better without the best wide out in the league, is hilarious. Also hilarious is the belief that fans are going to want an old Eli Manning that can’t move and costs $20 million a year. Might as well just let him get beat up so he can retire, and we can finally move on.”

Redskins: “Well, we are what we are. After one of the most depressing wins I can ever remember, I really wanted to believe we could beat the Eagles. But I couldn’t. Especially with no Josh Norman. You know why?  Because Kirk Cousins is U2 from the South Park episode. He threw for 300 yards and I still feel he played like poop. It’s unexplainable, but the truth.”

NFC North:

Bears: “I still don’t know if I want Fox to be the coach at the end of the year. At this rate it won’t matter because six wins and he’ll keep his job, but still. Is a quarterback throwing seven passes in a win good or sad? Is the defense scoring 17 points great or lucky? Is the division actually winnable without Aaron Rodgers? Why is John Fox going with the beard that makes me want to give him a quarter or a bus pass? I just don’t know anything right now.”

Packers:  “I might not watch this team anymore this season. Making up a reason is going to be the tough part. Am I allowed to say that for the last five plus years we have refused to give Aaron Rodgers any semblance of talent? Or is that being a bad fan? Either way, it was the worst kept secret in football that Rodgers was the only reason this team finished 12-4. He still lives on through the State Farm commercials, though.”

Vikings: “We’re 5-2 with Case Keenum!!! But, I will not fall for this again. I remember last year how everything fell apart quicker than Sam Bradford’s body. I will not hear the rumors that Teddy Bridgewater might come back soon. I don’t care that the Packers look like they could lose to Alabama right now. This team won’t suck me into this again… I lied.. #SKOL..”

NFC South:

Buccaneers: “I have lost faith in this coaching staff. After all the weapons that we got, all the hype from Hard Knocks and all the lines that, ‘Winston was ready to take the next step,’ stuff, this team plain sucks. The defense isn’t very good, but that could have been predicted. The bigger issue is that Winston continues to make the same mistakes he did as a rookie. It might be time to point the finger at him. Of course, not after last week when he ripped Buffalo apart, but going forward.”

Falcons: “I’m hoping that something was ‘wrong’ with Matt Ryan as opposed to last year when something was ‘actually wrong’ with Ryan. But with every passing game, it seems more like the latter. Either that, or the absence of Kyle Shananhan is the reason for this offense progressively becoming a mess.”

Panthers: “Holy crap. I’ve seen a lot of bad Cam but that was the worst he’s looked, considering the circumstances (bad team, opposing quarterback completed four passes), that I’ve ever seen him play. Then he topped it off with whatever the heck that outfit was after the game. When your quarterback puts up only three points, then looks like a mix of Sherlock Holmes and the Cat in the Hat, something has gone wrong. Get Bizzaro Superman out of my face.”

Saints: “WHO DAT? WHO DAT? WHO DAT SAY DEY GONNA BEAT DEM SAINTS???!!!! We’re out here baby!!! Drew Brees has been a turnover machine and it doesn’t even matter. The second we finally moved on from AP, everything just came together. And the best part is it’s not even about the offense, it’s the defense. Marshon Lattimore is a special player and Brees can finally trust the unit on the other side. It’s time to take back what’s rightfully ours – the NFC South.”

NFC West:

49ers: “Kyle Shanahan just keeps doing God’s work. Yes, this was the first time that we got blown out all season but it was a team coming off a bye week and without our starting quarterback. Plus, you can’t make them all close or else people will catch on and get suspicious. Just don’t fire him, because the Falcons clearly miss him, so in the future he’s definitely going to be THE guy.”

Cardinals: “Well, last week was a nice getaway from the truth that this team is just awful. That relaxing trip ended very quickly. Now that the team got lit up by a division rival, is 3-4 with wins over the three stooges, and Palmer finally got hit to the point where he’s broken his arm, it’s a wrap. The good thing is we still have old running backs we can trot out there.”

Rams: “Wow, this team is the real freaking deal, man. We light people up quick, fast and in a hurry. Using some bad announcer’s line, which you’ll hear often because 85 percent of announcers say dumb stuff, “This team know how to put the ball in the end zone.” Jared Goff and Todd Gurley might play off each other better than any passer-rusher tandem in the league other than the Cowboys. We just have to deal with the Seahawks next game and the division can be ours.”

Seahawks: “EVERYBODY JUST CALLLLLMMMM DOWN. The Eagles, Rams and Saints better keep winning because if they mess around and let us get the top seed out here, it’s over. For as bad as we’ve looked early, none of those other teams scare me. There’s no Rodgers to deal with, no supreme running game and no really destructive defense at the top of the conference. I’m supposed to be scared of some quarterback named Wentz that looks like Scott Tenorman? Yeah, I ain’t worried about nothing.”

AFC East:

Bills: “Oh, man I like this team!!! All we do is wait around like that cousin who won’t leave Thanksgiving dinner. Just waiting for that second there’s a controversy or you make a mistake, then BANG. Suddenly, there’s drama on your hands. The Bills hung around on Sunday and then struck, probably ending the Bucs season with that sweet field goal. Sure, the Patriots beat the Falcons, but we did too, in their town. We didn’t fly to the top five in power rankings, though. The refs and the media just love the Pats, but we will fight through it all.”

Dolphins: ” Jeez, we just can’t catch a freaking break. Somehow, we have managed to scratch and claw our way to 4-2, despite going all across the country, and other ones, then of course Jay Cutler gets hurt. Now it’s down to Matt Moore and David Fales to try and lead us into the playoffs. Fales only threw a few passes for the Bears last year before being released for the likes of Mike Glennon. But at least he doesn’t kneel. Well, I think. I don’t actually know anything about him. But at least he’s not suing the league, so yeah.”

Jets: “Well now we have perfectly ‘Jet’s upped’ the season. First, we got robbed by the Patriots in a game we actually could have won, then we compound that by losing to the Dolphins and slowly slipping to fourth in the division. To make things worse, we aren’t even bad enough to lose out because somehow the AFC East is the strongest division in the league? 6-10 and no quarterback, here we come.”

Patriots: “I would say we’re back, but to be honest we never really left. People thought the Falcons might get a revenge game, but really it was a revenge game for our defense. I mean, any team that makes us actually struggle in a game and come back from down 28-3 has to pay for it the next time we play. On Sunday Brady and the boys got their revenge.”

AFC North:

Bengals: “We again looked lifeless in another big game. Worse than even that, the second the Steelers took the lead, I had no faith in Dalton to do anything but lose that game. There was just no conceivable way that he was going to win a game of that magnitude against a team that good. I watched him do the same thing against the Packers, oh, and every postseason game he’s ever been in.  Dalton gonna Dalton.”

Browns: “So while our quarterback is busy turning up in the club, this team is busy tanking to replace him. For half a second, I really started to believe that Kizer had something going on as quarterback. But now he’s the second quarterback in five years who would rather be studying a bottle of Ciroc than the playbook. Oh, and the two quarterbacks we didn’t take, Watson and Wentz, might be the two best young passers in the league.”

Ravens: “Ugh. I remember the days when we didn’t lose to the likes of Case freaking Keenum. I also remember the days when football used to be enjoyable to watch. Like, it was fun, which now seems… crazy. Regardless, this team is going nowhere fast. Flacco makes too much money and I still think Harbaugh is a good coach, but that faith is fleeting fast.”

Steelers: “We’re back, baby!!! A few weeks ago, people said Big Ben was done, Tomlin can’t coach, this, that and the other, but don’t look now, the Steelers might be the most dangerous team in the league. Finally, we’ve decided to use the real best running back in the league to help the offense out. And if Tomlin is going to ignore the fact that a wideout wants to get traded, so will I. Oh, and the defense is young and fast with shades of the mid-2000s.”

AFC South

Colts: “Luck is done. This reminds me a lot of the year we drafted Andrew Luck, actually. Maybe this time we’ll keep the quarterback who has Super Bowl potential instead of letting him walk. It’s nice to have big dreams.”

Jaguars: “We are easily the weirdest team in the league, which goes hand-in-hand with being in the weirdest division in the league. I was done with Gus Bradley and Blake Bortles in the offseason. Now I think both of them are good… kind of?  I also have no idea who this team is, but in the AFC South, I don’t see why we can’t win it.”

Titans: “Is Marcus Mariota actually good? I’m beginning to question it personally. Yeah, I know Mike Mularky isn’t good. The team doesn’t do anything consistently — good or bad. That means they could be great under the right leadership. Mariota’s turning into the Greg in your friend group who you just don’t like. All your other friends say Greg is great, (NFL fans, media) but you hang around and…eh…Greg isn’t all that.”

 

AFC West:

Broncos: “Oh. My. Gosh. We just got shut out by the freaking Chargers. Siemian is becoming exactly the quarterback that I always thought he would be. Eight touchdowns and seven picks. He screams average and because this whole team screams average. The only thing I’m getting out of this is that the Cowboys defense sucks. Every other team has clowned this offense for the most part.”

Chargers:  “Is the curse off? Everything in my mind is screaming that this is just our average regular season mirage. We’ve won three straight and the Chiefs have lost two in a row. Now it is within reach for us to somehow beat the Patriots, win seven games, then break my heart in week 14. I can’t and won’t let it happen again.”

Chiefs: “This is exactly what I was worried about after the first game. Eric Berry was everything for that defense, and you can see it now that Peters doesn’t have him as back up. Peters has been getting toasted worse than bread getting thrown into the Sun. The worst part is that Smith is still playing perfectly, yet we have two losses. No picks, 72 percent passing, and suddenly we’re on a two-game losing streak. Crap.”

Raiders: “The thoughts were creeping in my head that maybe Carr just had a great year and maybe Cooper just couldn’t handle the pressure of the rising expectations. Then we won the best football game of the year and Carr played perfect. Yes, the defense was still awful and got shredded left and right, but Carr was in prime form. And what Beastmode did was awesome and not extremely annoying. Even though you aren’t playing well, we still love you.”

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