Some teams are halfway through the season, so time for some fans to really start freaking out.

Cowboys:

The Zeke suspension finally coming down is a huge blow. But we have the best offensive line in the league, and a Barry Sanders still could average 100 yards per game behind them. Whatever, we just keep on trucking and finding ways to win like good teams do. Also the Eagles only beat the Niners 33-10 and not 40-10?  By the transitive property, we’re better and I’m not scared of them at all.

NFC East

Eagles:

7 AND 1. And guess what we didn’t even have to play well in this one to beat the Niners into submission. Wentz had his worst game of the year, the running game did nothing, the offensive line was dominated, and WE STILL RUN THIS LEAGUE. If we aren’t number one on your power rankings, open your eyes.

Redskins:

That’s it, I’m done, I’m out. The entire game I was waiting for us to fully choke it up. We were cruising in perfect range to blow the game throughout the first half. Blowing short fields, kicking two field goals, and Kirk looked like “YEAH YOU LIKE THAT!” Kirk. Then the blocked field goal happened and I started watching the Texans vs Seahawks game because I knew what was going to happen. 7-9 and another franchise tag for Cousins. Great…

NFC North

Bears: Yeah can we get Fox the hell up out of here. I can’t tell if it’s Mitch not being good, or not being ready right now, but I’m going on the assumption that is the same situation the Rams were in. These plays are terrible, we don’t even give him the chance to throw it deep or actually give him well designed plays. I can’t even judge him yet. Hopefully we lose out so the grey haired John Fox is finally out of here.

Lions:

It just doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter who’s on this team. Not if it’s Barry Sanders, not if it’s Megatron, not if it’s Stafford. None of it freaking makes a difference because this team just never will win anything. Even when Rodgers goes down, a team with a third string QB is lapping us.

Vikings: This team just seems a little different. We have the second best record in the NFC, down to our second string running backs and our third string QB. They just do everything right and maybe, just maybe, Keenum isn’t actually that bad. Ok no, he’s that bad, but the defense is that freaking good. Maybe we have a chance.

NFC South

Buccaneers: This team blows. The Panthers were a team in disarray with the constant “Is Cam Newton actually a good quarterback?” The answer is yes, he’s that trash but it doesn’t matter because that defense is good. And our defense is bad. Or maybe Winston isn’t that good. Or all of it? This is confusing and I swore Hard Knocks promised it would be different.

Falcons:  As much as everyone freaks out about how this team isn’t this, or we aren’t as explosive as last year, people forget a few things. One, we didn’t really explode until like Week 8 or 9 last year and then we started to look a little bit unstoppable. Two, no team in the NFC has beaten us, so as far as I’m concerned we still run the conference without a doubt.

Panthers:

Well good riddance Kelvin Benjamin. Thanks for getting fat and then ruining the time of the organization. What a waste of talent; it really is sad. On the other hand this team somehow is 5-3. Listen to the media tell it, and Cam Newton was leading a 3-5 team right now. All we have to do is keep pounding and winning games ugly. That’s the style that will work, and without Cam forcing things to Benjamin, it has a shot of true success.

Saints:

“IM SORRY ATLANTA, OOOOO/ WE ARE FOR REAL/ DIDN’T MEAN TO MAKE CAM NEWTON CRY/ WE PICKED HIM OFF FOR THE ONE MILLIONTH TIME.  hat’s the song I’ll be singing when we take this division and continue the tradition of the NFC South making the Super Bowl. The difference will be instead of just getting there, this year we’re going to actually win the whole freaking thing. A) Because our Quarterback can actually finish when he gets there and B) Because this year we finally have a defense. It’s go time.

NFC West

49ers: Well now the team is in an interesting spot. Do we continue to trust the plan and continue to tank even though we got the quarterback? Or do we go 5-11 to get the positive momentum we might need to sign Jimmy G long-term? That’s a tough one for me but at the moment I would lean towards not starting Jimmy G actually because our offensive line is terrible. Beathard got his teeth kicked in again last week, and I don’t want that to happen to the franchise. So I’d keep tanking away.

Seahawks:

Whoa. Now that was a team that can go to the Super Bowl. Not only did Russell Wilson finally shut everyone up, including his own teammates, but he saved the defense for once. Wilson played one of the best games I’ve ever seen from any QB, and as troubling it was to watch the defense get torn apart, the fact that we have that guy under center gives me hope. Oh and… WE FINALLY ADDED A LEFT TACKLE TO BLOCK FOR HIM. The Saints, Eagles, and Vikings don’t have the sauce time to give the Patriots their revenge.

AFC East:

Bills:

That’s fine, everyone can just keep underrating us. All we have done now is put a smackdown on two premier offenses in the game in the Raiders and Falcons, lost to the Panthers by 6, and lost a tough road game to the Bengals who are still decent. But stay sleepin’ NFL because we’re only 5-2, or, one win behind the Patriots and we haven’t played them yet. We’re going to be the ones to finally end their streak since no one else has the gumption to do it.

Dolphins:

I’m about done with Adam Gase. I don’t care about losing to the Ravens, that was bound to happen given the fact that we didn’t have our top two QBs. Now losing 40-0 and throwing it 44 times with said third stringer was questionable at the least and completely and terribly idiotic on the worse end of the spectrum. But hey, things happen. Until we trade our second best offensive player, who’s fifth in the league in yards since 2016. That’s where I get off the Gase train and realize he cares more about being in charge than having talent.

Jets:  This is the frustrating life of a Jets’ fan. The last three weeks we had chances, legitimate leading the game in the second half chances, to beat the two teams who were in the Super Bowl and a division rival. We ended up blowing all three games. Now we sit at 3-5 and because the Colts, Browns, 49ers and even the Bucs are doing terribly, we probably won’t get the franchise quarterback this season we are supposed to be about tanking for. At least Todd Bowles looks like a legit coach but I’m now just waiting for him to let me down in the end.

Patriots:  Come on now!!! You thought the Chargers actually had a chance of beating us. Nah brah, we had to tell the Goat to chill for a game and put some pressure on the defense since we need them to be playoff ready. Sure they let up the stats, but only 13 points to Rivers is something I’ll definitely take. Now here we are at 6-2 waiting on the Chiefs and Bills to blow a couple more games. We can take care of the Steelers ourselves and get that one seed, AGAIN.

AFC North

Browns:

So yeah we lost again; there is nothing about that of which is shocking. This is the goal to tank until we can finally get a quarterback. Because it’s not like we could have drafted Carson Wentz two years ago, or drafted DeShaun Watson twice last year, or traded a second for Jimmy Garopollo. No, tanking simply is the only way.

Bengals: Man Marvin Lewis knows how to keep a job. He may be the new Jeff Fisher of the NFL. A loss to the Colts ensures that he gets fired, but instead he just moved Chuck Pagano closer to getting fired. Another example of him hurting us: not only will Lewis stay, but a crappy coach will get canned and replaced with someone better more than likely.

Ravens: We beat a third string QB by 40 on Thursday night. It was a very Ravens’ win because even in the game nothing about the offense looked good. Well the run offense was ok, but my god Flacco is awful. Still Harbaugh continues to work miracles with this terrible hand and will probably scratch out a playoff birth. Which is good I guess.

Steelers:

This defense remains an amazing bright spot on this team. Yes JuJu and his bike get all the headlines but they just kept holding on against a very good quarterback and didn’t let up a touchdown. Tomlin has also let Bell continue to eat, and we are just ignoring Bryant until he runs away from the team I guess.

AFC South:

Colts:  Luck’s done, Pagano isn’t. Let’s just tank and see what happens.

Texans:

That was the most impressive loss I’ve ever seen. With the owner just making dumb comments, our starting left tackle not wanting to be there, and a defense which has started to fade fast without J.J. Watt, the offense gave it all they had. DeShaun Watson is the future and the Seahawks have never been ripped apart like that at home, and it was our rookie that did it. Watson isn’t scared of anyone and still has the old Clemson mindset that he can score 30 on anyone.

AFC West:

Broncos:

Yeah Siemian doesn’t have it. Deep down inside we all knew that he couldn’t be the guy to lead a team to a Super Bowl, but the hope was maybe he could just steer the ship in that direction. The defense is still great, with a solid running game and weapons on the outside that are crazy good. And yet it won’t matter because the QB can’t even be average like Kirk Cousins or Andy Dalton. Now we might start a QB that got cut by the Browns. Great!

Chargers:  Well this was expected. We played the Patriots and lost because, as a team, we don’t play as clean. The game even started off with a big touchdown run that made me believe a little bit. Instead it all led to the grand old disappointment which the Chargers are bound to produce at every turn.

Chiefs:

Rumors of our demise were greatly exaggerating. Everyone wanted to talk about Marcus Peters, he got a pick. Everyone wanted to talk about the defense but they completely dominated the Broncos. Alex Smith is still cruising throughout the season and is quietly having one of the best years that anyone has had in the history of the NFL up to this point. We just have to get home field over the Steelers, and then I’m not worried.

Raiders: Well what a crushing end to this year. After all the hope over the Chiefs’ win brought, it all came down in a heap to the Bills. Carr ended up having to throw the ball too much in the end of the day because Beast Mode was suspended. Also this team is built all around him, and not enough around having any semblance of balance anymore.

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