The NBA season nearing its close. With subtweets from LeBron less veiled than the President’s, the #NBAPettinessTour raging on, and every franchise under the sun trying to extend their season until it is inevitably ended by the Warriors, incredible is not a powerful enough word to describe this season.
What does that mean here at Armchair? Wildly irrational comparison with no logical base in reality in the form of comparisons of floor generals to field generals. I present you with 25 potential switches we would love to see across America’s two favorite sports.
These are 100% serious and I very much hope you take personal offense to each and every one of them.
“I am the human equivalent of paying the bouncer $5 for a cigarette while drunk. You don’t want me, but you need me”
JRUE HOLIDAY – KIRK COUSINS
It’s 1:45am. Your Uber is 7 minutes away. You’re fading in and out of consciousness trying to simultaneously make it home alive, yet forget the fact that your team has been eliminated from playoff contention for the 4th time in the last 5 years. You hear the flicker of a Bic lighter from inside your mental cavern of drunken stupor. You think to yourself, “You know, if I got cancer, went broke, and died in the offseason, it probably would be more enjoyable than having to watch this franchise play another game.”
“Despite my team and general underperformance as a professional, no one feels remotely comfortable telling me I won’t win at least one title”
D’ANGELO RUSSELL – JAMEIS WINSTON
They say you die twice. Once when your heart stops beating and once when someone says your name for the last time. Well, what if someone says your name for the last time before you die?
The year is 2029. Neither player has above a 47% career winning percentage. The world has counted them out as LeBron James Jr. only trails his father in the race for the MVP. Stephen A. Smith even refuses to refer to them as his close, personal friends. But, in the face of adversity, there is one saving grace – the absolutely horrible opinions of Max Kellerman and his need to maintain relevance. So, he throws out a take cultivated with heat harvested from the face of the sun, “D’Angelo Russell and the Seattle SuperSonics will win the NBA Title this season.” And thus, for at least one more moment, the idealistic thought of D’Angelo’s greatness lives to see at least one more day.
“This is New York, so let’s throw a lot of money at this decision that we really have not thought about that much and then look absolutely shocked when it doesn’t work out”
TIM HARDAWAY JR. – JOSH MCCOWN
The inevitable nuclear fallout has subsided. Only the roaches survived. James Dolan climbs out of a storm drain to make an announcement in front of lone media member, Darren Rovell, “I would like to welcome Stephon Marbury and Tim Hardaway Jr. back to New York on max contracts.”
“My name is Ben and I am far too large to logically be playing the position that I am playing”
BEN SIMMONS – BEN ROETHLISBERGER
The two least harmonious threesomes on earth occur weekly in the state of Pennsylvania between two guys named Ben, their legs from the knee down, and the sobering, sore reality of a Monday morning coming to grips with the fact that you have to lug your gigantic frame around for yet another seven days.
“This is the year I take my team to the next level…6 months later…okay, fine, some people may not be built to win a championship but don’t you want to be relevant?”
KYLE LOWRY – MATTHEW STAFFORD
I present the physical sports embodiment of a hand job on the 6th date. I mean, I guess it will do, but is this really getting us anywhere we haven’t been before?
“None of my opinions are based in logic or reason”
KYRIE IRVING – ANY NFL QUARTERBACK THAT THINKS THE EARTH IS FLAT
Kyrie, not sure if you knew this, but gullible is written on the ceiling at TD Garden. I know people talk about this a lot, but I really feel like that is still not talked about enough that a man that spent an extended period of time enrolled in school at Duke University, who makes $20M+ per year, with access to any education and in depth explanation of any worldly concept by just a matter of asking, believes that we exist on a sheet of paper, hurling about the galaxy.
“It would have been super tight if my knees and my body didn’t sustain a prolonged civil war against each other during the prime of my career”
DERRICK ROSE – ROBERT GRIFFIN III
Charlie Daniels is an old school kinda guy. When he initially performed ‘The Devil Went Down to Georgia’ in 1978, there were not music videos being made in mass quantity. So, this caused me to have to do a little imagining while listening to the song. In my version, Derrick Rose’s ACLs are the devil, while Derrick is Johnny. Derrick wins, yet he ultimately really loses. This analogy has gone off the rails worse than these two players’ careers.
“I will undoubtedly convince 15% of your fan base that my signing is not a complete travesty of an idea”
REGGIE JACKSON – RYAN FITZPATRICK
You have to feel a little bad for Reggie Jackson. Imagine living in a world where you are consistently averaging 15 points a game in the NBA, making more money than anyone except Antoine Walker knows what to do with, yet you are still BY FAR the second best Reggie Jackson to play professional sports. I think you have to give a pass (not something he knows much about, unfortunately) due to the fact that Mr. October is living rent free inside of his head.
“Deep down, no one would legitimately be surprised if I turned out to be an actual real life super hero”
GIANNIS ANTETOKOUNMPO – CAM NEWTON
The Office’s Dwight Schrute was quoted a few years back talking about these two players:
“No, don’t call me a hero. Do you know who the real heroes are? The guys who wake up every morning and go into their normal jobs, and get a distress call from the Commissioner and take off their glasses and change into capes and fly around fighting crime. Those are the real heroes.”
DENNIS SCHROEDER – TREVOR SIEMIAN
“Houston, did that go the way you thought it would? Nope.”
TY LAWSON – BROCK OSWEILER
“Ok, first off, Lawson…playing in Houston? He’s a vodka man, doesn’t even like water.
If you placed it near a big man, or some sort of front court weapons, that’d make sense.
But you find yourself in the Toyota Center, a 20 point deficit, I’m assuming its against some division rival, coming up against a full, grown, 300 pound center with his 10 or 15 friends.
You lose that battle. you lose that battle nine times out of ten.
And guess what, you wandered into our city and we now have a taste of Lawson! We’ve talked, to ourselves. We’ve communicated and said, ‘you know what? Lawson as point guard tastes good. Lets make them sign more players like Lawson.’
We’ve developed a system, to establish your line up coached by Kevin McHale and aggressively hunt your quest for the NBA Lottery. And we will corner you, your hopes, your dreams, your ambition…
We will construct a series of tanking apparatus for you with no post presence. You will be able to trap certain amounts of wins. Its not going to be many at a time, maybe 2, 3 games. No problem. That will give us enough time to figure out how you play, go back home, do more game planning and then play better than you. You just lost at your own game. You are out gunned and outmanned.”
“Arguments over my eliteness will cause arguments that can end lifelong friendships”
KEMBA WALKER – JOE FLACCO
My next vote for President of the United States will be cast for the person that make you answer the question: “Is Joe Flacco elite?” before obtaining or renewing your license. At any point in this process should you say yes, you will immediately be placed on federal probation and have your license revoked. People like you cannot be trusted.
“Could someone remind me again how I got these two shiny things on my fingers?
MARIO CHALMERS – ELI MANNING
I’m not quite sure why Ron Artest was so heavily criticized for drinking in the locker room during halftime? There is a 0% chance that these two players didn’t do it before, during, and after every playoff game and their collective left hands probably weigh about 10 pounds because of it.
“I’m really beginning to enjoy this ‘tens of millions of dollars for every playoff win because I am a number one pick and the rest of my team is hot trash’ thing going on”
JOHN WALL – ANDREW LUCK
These player will both probably near about $500M collectively in contractual earnings by 2020 yet I think most would be shocked to see either win a championship within the next 5 seasons. I don’t make the rules. Steve Kerr does.
“I will regularly do things on the playing surface that will make you question your worth to society”
RUSSELL WESTBROOK – AARON RODGERS
The night Russell Westbrook hit a 40 foot three pointer to cap off a 50 point, 16 rebound, 10 assist game – his 42nd triple double of the year was the worst evening of my life. Imagine even being able to fathom doing something 5% as valuable to society as Russell Westbrook or Aaron Rodgers do on a weekly basis. It breeds a nasty sense of nihilism and really doesn’t make life all that worth living.
“People told me I was too small, so I decided to begin scoring a comical amount of points to offset historically bad defense”
DAMIAN LILLARD – DREW BREES
Book it. Between now and 2020, if Damian Lillard doesn’t win a scoring title or Drew Brees doesn’t lead the league in passing yards, I’ll eat a shoe on Facebook Live.
“It’s been like 6 years, I’m probably supposed to be good by now”
RICKY RUBIO – RYAN TANNEHILL
Does Ricky Rubio not look strikingly similar to Charlie Kelly in this picture? Just like Charlie, Ricky is nothing more than King of the Rats.
“Sure, it’s nice having a cyborg complement on my side, but I will emasculate you with or without him until I am at least 65 years old”
STEPH CURRY – TOM BRADY
HAHAHAHAHA both of these guys have won championships and MVPs without Gronk or Kevin Durant. If we’re being honest, they have individually suffocated absolutely every reason to ever lose a game each season. They should go a combined 117-0 every year. No questions asked.
“I have a rabid fan base that is actively ready for me to reveal to them that I am, in fact, the second coming of Jesus Christ”
LONZO BALL – DAK PRESCOTT
If I had three wishes in this life, there would be zero doubt that one of them would be to have Lonzo Ball raised as a football player, drafted by the Cowboys, and see the reality TV blood feud between Lavar Ball and Jerry Jones. It would be the sports version of Keeping Up with the Kardashians and the single most watched show of all time.
“If this doesn’t work out, we should just end the franchise, right?”
DE’AARON FOX – MITCHELL TRUBISKY
I’m working on a theory here. Mitch Trubisky committed some sort of heinous crime in college, most likely drug trafficking related. He tried to throw people off the scent by changing his name, but the best he could think of was Mitchell Trubisky.
Regardless, leave it to (DEA)aron Fox to get to the bottom of it. This is another total garbage can analogy. Why are you still reading this?
“It’s kinda weird playing in a league where they crown the Top 8 teams champions every year, but I’ve started to enjoy the extra month off”
CHRIS PAUL – ANDY DALTON
October 13, 2017. A date that will live in infamy. Chris Paul was spotted at the Houston Astros versus New York Yankees American League Championship Series Game 1. This was the day that Chris Paul finally made it to a Conference Finals.
“I went to college for my MRS degree. Mr. Regular Season”
JAMES HARDEN – MATT RYAN
Imagine capping off the best season of your career by going 2/11 (.182 shooting percentage) with 10 points – 3 rebounds, having your team lose by 40 points in the playoffs and it not be the worst performance of the postseason by this pair of individuals.
“I supremely enjoy being the product of a market that needs to stay relevant on the back of a television revenue bubble that is inevitably about to burst”
MIKE CONLEY – DEREK CARR
Being in an industry where you could make $30M+ per year by being the 11th best person at your position to do your job sounds super cool until you realize that Jim Rome makes more than $30M per year. Yes, I am as shocked as you are. I know you don’t believe me, but it’s okay because you’re wrong.
“If your starter gets hurt and you haven’t fully committed to tanking, call me. But I promise after a few weeks, you’ll rethink this strategy”
JARRETT JACK – LUKE MCCOWN
I would set the over/under on each one of these guys’ age at 63.5. Vegas, can we get some prop betting on this?