College football is officially back! Really, Week Zero is in the books, and the much-appreciated teasing of, well, at least it’s football has awoken our appetite. We want more! And we will get it!
Last year, this viewing guide, which is more so my chance to make fun of whoever I decide to make fun of that week than anything of actual substance or analysis, was limited to just the SEC, but I have expanded to the entire country. I mean, #Pac12AfterDark and #MACTion deserved to be in the spotlight eventually, too.
Man, that yard-work isn’t going to do itself
Texas State at Rutgers
If, somehow, the rest of the world blows up Saturday at 11 am CST and you are left with Texas State at Rutgers, it might be time to consider moving to Mars. There aren’t many *worse* games I could think of, and do you realize how bad a football game has to be to make yardwork sound like the more intriguing option?
It’s football, and it’s still the work week so LET’S DO THIS
#21 UCF at UConn
Who doesn’t want to open the new season on a Thursday Night with the defending champion? I mean, the NFL does it literally every season! UCF was undefeated, and they beat Auburn, who beat Alabama and Georgia, but also lost to Georgia in the SEC Championship Game, and then they claimed a national title, and they appear in the official NCAA record book as a National Champion. I can’t argue with their logic and success. History is on their side!
Okay, okay, I’m done now. I pinkie promise to never call them National Champions again. Why no I don’t have my fingers crossed or anything!
But seriously, it’s a rivalry game that isn’t actually a rivalry game because UConn, who sadly (luckily?) has no rivals, tried to turn this annual matchup into a rivalry game, but UCF hilariously ignored them. Also, UCF has a fun offense and lots of speed, so it could be an ideal Thursday Night to get you in an even better mood for Friday.
INJECT IT IN MY VEINS
INJECT IT IN MY VEINS will always be about games that I think are going to be borderline-addictive and most-definitely drunk and/or taking some form of accelerant/stimulant. Hoo boy have I got some doozies for you!
Ole Miss vs Texas Tech kind of speaks for itself. Ole Miss and the Nasty Wide Outs vs Texas Tech and Coach Handsome. However, neither team has had any semblance of a defense in recent years, and Ole Miss has NFL draft picks seemingly everywhere on offense. You get a touchdown, and you get a touchdown, and you get a touchdown, and you get a touchdown, and you, no you get to get dunked on by some receiver, and you, sorry but defense isn’t allowed, please take a seat. Yes, that was a shameless plug.
At the same time, Florida Atlantic and the national treasure that is Lane Kiffin travel to Norman to take on Oklahoma with Kyler Murray (who might make more money than his coach) now playing quarterback. Lane’s FAU was one of the most intriguing offenses to watch in 2017, and there’s no reason to expect that to change anytime soon. Nor is there any reason to suspect Lincoln Riley won’t have an equally-exciting offense with Kyler Murray, oft refererred to as a prodigy out of high school, taking the snaps.
College football is starting off right: the morning slate is going to be slam-packed with high-octane, wacky, mistake-filled-but-absolutely-intoxicating shootouts to kick off the season.
Brains vs Brawns
Army vs Duke
The Brains, Duke, are taking on the Brawns, Army. I feel like this is rather self-explanatory, so I won’t keep you here too long. I’ll leave with this: ALL HAIL THE TRIPLE OPTION, OUR ARMY’S GREATEST WEAPON
Which team spent more on their roster?
One of my favorite categories: watch the game and spend the entire time wondering which team had the busier bagmen and bagwomen. Miami is an easy target here because, well, they’re Miami, and LSU is one of the SEC’s power programs – remind me, again, why a premier school in the SEC willingly hired Ed Orgeron? Also, could someone please give me an actual football reason as to why LSU is ranked to start the season? They have a 50 percent chance of turning into a raging dumpster fire, but they do have equal odds to somehow finally beat Alabama (LOL JUST KIDDING, DUMPSTER FIRE HERE WE COME!!).
Off-brand but low key Great
Washington State at Wyoming
When I think of wacky, anything involving Mike Leach immediately finds a way into the top five. I only wish Josh Allen was still at Wyoming, so we could have the additional element of ridiculous pro-prospect craze over a quarterback to add to the insanity that is Mike Leach.
Making College Football Great Again
Ahh, the traditional powers who are still trying to reclaim their glory days. Sure, they’re relevant, but has either truly been “great” in, like, a decade? Notre Dame was thought to be great one year, but it was a great catfish. Alabama mercilessly proved that no, they were not as Saban’s Dothraki horde uhm, swamped them and then melted their gold helmets and poured them over their unconscious selves. As for Michigan, they only thing they’ve been great at lately is: Harbaugh being weird, and Harbaugh having conspiracy theories against chicken, so Harbaugh being weird is basically all they’ve got. Oh, and they just got Shea Patterson, who is supposed to be their savior at quarterback or something (those are not my words).
Are live murders your thing?
Saban’s Power Rangers – y’all remember the recent Power Rangers remake, right? Well, what they didn’t tell you was that they committed to Alabama after the movie was over, joining his Dothraki horde. There’s no word yet on the Viking raiders, but they have requested a waiver to play immediately. Okay, I kid, I kid. Louisville, however, lost their college football superman: Lamar Jackson. But they weren’t winning this game if they had three Lamar Jacksons. ROLL DAMN TIDE is going to be yelled a lot, and there may or may not be a sacrifice made to their elephant gods.
Slobber-knocker of the Week
C’mon it’s a top-ten matchup on Saturday afternoon. Instead of battling the hottest parts of the day, relax and watch two elite teams try to bludgeon themselves. Plus, it’s Gus Malzahn vs Chris Petersen, so literally ANYTHING is possible. Washington does have the better mascot, though, so my money’s on the Huskies.
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