A long time ago in a conference far, far away

After an incredible season of fierce battles between those who fight for good and those who do not, the spoils of the victor went to the men who use their force for good. There were buzzer beaters, high flying dunks, and barrages of three pointers. This conference proved once again that their players were of a class of their own, wielding basketballs as if they were light sabers…

The Rebel Forces

 Luke: UNC

The boy wonder of the ACC, the team chosen to defeat the evil forces of the Empire. He was trained by the best in the early days, but took hard hits along the way. Help from allies of many different walks of life has elevated his abilities to immeasurable strengths. However, the war that ensues between Luke and the Empire is seemingly never-ending.

Han Solo: Roy Williams

A man of humble beginnings, who does not actually have the powers of the force that hold so much weight in the universe. He takes a young Luke that already has so much power, trained by some of the greatest Jedi to ever live, and is the perfect sidekick/life mentor.

Rey: FSU

A relatively youthful Jedi, showing some incredible abilities at times. These abilities aren’t yet honed though and she is still learning how far her power can take her. A powerful offense carries this character, but the defense and knowledge is still being figured out, causing lapses

C3PO: NC State

He’s that snarky character that annoys you beyond oblivion, but you really can’t live without. Does he help defeat the Empire sometimes? Sure. Is he in the way most of the time, becoming a shooting practice target for every enemy of the Rebel Forces? Absolutely.

Obi-Wan Kenobi: Wake Forest

The intelligent, morally sound Jedi of the past that sadly lost his life in battle, while keeping the ability to project his ghostly body in the realm of the living. Remind you of anyone? Well this team, however weak as it is in 2017, used to be a valiant fighter against the dark forces, with basketball Jedi, Tim Duncan and Chris Paul.

Finn: Clemson

The new guy in the series that has some skill and a lot of passion, but lacks the actual abilities of a Jedi. Maybe one day he will learn the ways of the force, but for now Finn is stuck uselessly wielding light sabers against much more powerful foe.

R2D2: Georgia Tech

Engineering and knowledge are the fuel of this character, but actual help in battle? That’ll be a no. R2 has produced some great moments, even to the magnitude of Jedi master Chris Bosh, but it’s been some time since they could be of any assistance.

Admiral Ackbar: Virginia Tech

IT’S A TRAP. No, seriously, being a fan of this team is a trap. Basketball fans seeing Virginia Tech playing against their team can be somewhat compared to when moviegoers saw Ackbar’s beautiful face light up the screen in Episode 7, “He’s still here?”

Lando: Notre Dame

Formerly an independent smuggler, focused on his own success and fortune, Lando laid his life on the line for the Rebel Forces. Notre Dame has been notably successful against schools in North Carolina, specifically Duke (the Galactic Empire themselves)

The Galactic Empire

Empire: Duke

Evil is the only adjective worth using for this band of brothers. Producing “winners” that feed off of punching, tripping, and stepping on everyone in their path. Their fight against the Rebel Forces is ongoing, even seeing victory in battle occasionally, but they seem to always have the lesser hand in the war.

Darth Vader: Coach K

From modest beginnings comes a leader of the Empire of unprecedented success. He force chokes his enemies and allies alike with harsh training and even worse language. However, no one can deny the immense power that he holds. The only formidable opponent that can take him down? A school from 8 miles down the road.

Kylo Ren: Louisville

From the ashes of the Empire’s earlier failures rises a new face of evil. Scandals galore, Louisville has joined the ACC at a perfect time to be cast into the clutches of the dark side. You know there is some trace of light inside him, but it is increasingly diminishing as the fight continues.

Emperor Palpatine: Syracuse

Syracuse started as a real stand-up winning character, exemplifying what it means to be a college basketball program. However, as it turns out, they were doing things in the wrong manner the whole time. Palpatine hides his evil qualities from the public for some time, but it eventually comes to the light. And when it does, oh boy it does

General Hux: Miami

The mysterious new guy on the block, you’re not really sure how long he’s been here or what he does, but you can just look at him and tell he’s evil. If he was wearing normal clothes, you’d probably think he was a pretty nice guy. But there’s just something about him that tells you he’d destroy the whole universe if he had the chance.

Stormtroopers: UVA

Stormtroopers are an interesting bunch. You know they’re good at their job, I mean just look at how they perform missions like the one early in Episode 7! But you also know that they’re actually terrible at their job. Each of them carrying a weapon that they’ve been rigorously trained to use and they SOMEHOW can’t hit a single living thing when it comes down to a real fight. This ridiculous inability to shoot in the big moments is what really characterizes them.

The… Others

Jar Jar Binks: Boston College

Meesa thinks this team is gonna disappoint you! Jar Jar, the character that everyone loves and hates so passionately. An unforgettable being that never really does anything memorable. A nice fit for a team that has only two conference wins in two years, but somehow still manages to put a hitch in Luke’s (UNC) plans.

Watto: Pittsburgh

In episode 1, viewers are met by a controlling little guy that owns slaves, specifically a young Anakin Skywalker. The feeling of owning someone is nothing new to Pittsburgh, as they just recently decided to release graduate transfer Cameron Johnson, who had decided to transfer to UNC.

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Author Details
ACC Department Head / Content Contributor for Armchair UNC / The Armchair All-Americans LLC
I am nothing but a southern boy, from the prototype of small town USA; raised on sweet tea, good manners, and basketball. I modeled my game as a averagely athletic, Tyler Hansbrough with a jumpshot and it earned me a few emails from D-3 schools, so I write now. I attend the University of North Carolina and treat our teams like royalty. Go Heels, Go America, baby!
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ACC Department Head / Content Contributor for Armchair UNC / The Armchair All-Americans LLC
I am nothing but a southern boy, from the prototype of small town USA; raised on sweet tea, good manners, and basketball. I modeled my game as a averagely athletic, Tyler Hansbrough with a jumpshot and it earned me a few emails from D-3 schools, so I write now. I attend the University of North Carolina and treat our teams like royalty. Go Heels, Go America, baby!

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